The Confession Room
From Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
For months of self reflection,
I was swayed with how society works and expecting a high hopes until I disappointed myself little by little. Something's wrong. I was on denial at first and burn out with everything that I loved at first such as art. When I asked myself again, I know the fault is on me which I don't feel grounded and wish to be someone or somethings else.
I don't feel humble and down to earth, easily feel envious and anxious which are very toxic at the moment and with the way I felt.
The moment I realized that I was swayed, I stopped with the way I thoughts and reset my mindset to be grounded and remind myself that what I was doing are completely wrong and very ignorance towards myself and others.
Dancing, Painting and Screaming
2023
150x150cm
Oil on Canvas
“I was trapped with the ideas of make more art and do art. I forced my mind to keep working while it can’t and slowly, I can feel how explosive it can be.”When that happened, all I can play repeatedly in my mind while do the art is dancing brutally, screaming in silent and subconsciously it projected through a different control of every brushstroke onto the canvas. Or at least, I try to portray the definition of a duel between the intuition, movement, and control. The pros and cons on the subconscious and conscious mind and body and just let it be. Trusting on the choices of colors composition, the feeling to builds up layers that create depth on the spaces. A fully formal qualities of the painting ethics that I’ve been doing and practicing.
Flower on My Chest and HIM
2023
120X150cm
Oil on Canvas
The day I marked my body with red spider lily flower on my chest, got me thinking that the meaning of it -death, abandonment, sorrow, or even bad luck- will always linger my life. But through times, life give me a surprise to meet my Norwegian star and he made me feel like I’m the luckiest human being alive. For once in a lifetime, he makes me longing for life, awaking my sleeping soul that has been buried for years. He shows me on how beautiful life can be and I look forward for the surprises that life can give me each day.
October Repressed Memories
2023
120x150cm
Oil on Canvas
I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember. Or maybe the feeling of ashamed and disappointed with yourself because you feel after all this time, you stay behind from your grown-ups’ friends.But feeling is a part of healing. No matter how anxious and overthinking things can be, it allows you to process the leftover feelings that haven’t finished or done for. And healing needs time. Perhaps, things that I need is more time and patient.
Fantasizing of You
2024
80x100cm
Oil on Canvas
It was a bizarre moments when we feel connected with someone because we share the same heavy feelings and each darkness inside of ourselves and it could be a deep wound where the causes in a different story but we understand the feeling of it ; also quoted from what Haruki Murakami said: "As I see it, you are living with something that you keep hidden deep inside. Something heavy. I felt it from the first time I met you. You have a strong gaze, as if you have made up your mind about something. To tell you the truth, I myself carry such things around inside. Heavy things. That is how I can see it in you."
The Act of Shamelessness
Responding on Japanese three face theory:
The first face is the face we show to the world, diplomatic and perfect. The second face is the one we show to our family and friend, semi-real but not the truest. Lastly, the third face is the one we hide from everyone, we never show this to anyone and that is the truest reflection of who we are actually.
The Act of Shamelessness portrayed the unconscious mind of self, when it get triggered and the depression phase is uncontrollably relapsed. Where she hid her true phase of depression, the scream, the harmings, the pain and hurts like a salt towards the fresh wounds. She knows and nobody knew.
Roses, Carnation Baby's breathe and Bluebell
2024
60x50cm
Oil on Canvas
And she said
'This is how I depict flowers. Wild, free, blooms, but dying.'
And she said
'I don't need pretty flowers, that have been taken care of for years. I need the wild one. That grows near the trees, the abandoned one, the one without names'
And she said
'If I die, it'll grows near the cemetery, it will be wild and free once more.'
Her Repressed Emotions
2022
84.5x 60cm
Oil on Canvas
I’m sorry for what you’ve been feeling after all these times.
I’m sorry if life treats you unfair. (You don’t deserve this sickening world)
I’m sorry for the fear
I’m sorry for those people who never listen carefully to you or ‘read’ you (including me)
I’ve seen you.
And I see you. (Finally)
You’re doing great
You’re doing awesome
Forever admire you in this dark shadow of mine
Will be everlasting
A forever and always I can say.
( SHE Just Need to be Appreciated)
Together with Endless Pain
2024
120x150cm
Oil on Canvas
The surface of the dark abyss
Joy and kindness are a rare things nowadays
In a need to be hold and protect by someone
Silver linings.
A respond from some research of Korean contemporary artworks and some beautiful memories from my traveling from the past February and April.
On small little things, the environment, the vivid memories, observations, people and cultures.
Movement, time and repetitive. Explore and get to experience to limit things and knowledges.
Sunday Morning
2023
120x150cm
Oil on Canvas
She's a Sunday Morning kind of beauty
Although she's a chaos personified at night
and disappears sometimes,
The sun is always come up whenever she's around.
Intense, secure and passionate.
And he's tangled too well with her soul
Chocolate and Cheesecake
2023
40x40cm
Oil on Canvas
From the exhibition 'Ibu' at Sidharta Art.co (2023)
Casual day
No events
We were both craving for ice cream
I thought we were only share the scoop of ice creams
But it was more than that.
We share stories
We share laughter
We share closure and intimacy
It’s one of a kind feeling that I never have with anyone.
The ice is cold, but our atmosphere is warm enough.
Chocolate and Cheesecake
2023
40x40cm
Oil on Canvas
From the exhibition 'Ibu' at Sidharta Art.co (2023)
Casual day
No events
We were both craving for ice cream
I thought we were only share the scoop of ice creams
But it was more than that.
We share stories
We share laughter
We share closure and intimacy
It’s one of a kind feeling that I never have with anyone.
The ice is cold, but our atmosphere is warm enough.