For My Psychologist,
Dr. Tracie Lazaroo
What is Sanity and What's Not?
80x100cm
Oil on Canvas
Session 1 – The girl who walked into nightmares
When I walked through the corridors, I am as scared as a sinner who just reconciled to the Almighty Father for forgiveness. It’s like I was being condemned by someone that is higher than me. I’ve never knew what my past and my demons have done to my body, yet the ironic part is that the demons are my own self. It’s been almost two years since I have this kind of addiction, of mutilating myself, because of the unpredictable moods, tragedies and conditions that I have until I talked to you and I knew this is how my demons are welcoming me into their parades.
Lust and Mania
60x80cm
Oil and Spray Paint on Canvas
Session 2 – I have to control it. I have to ...
Why does it feel good when at the end it just made me crumble up, like I live with guilt and regret? Why hours seem like seconds tonight? Why everything seems so easy? Why can’t I live today? I AM FLAMING. I am blind. Full of lust. The lust is not something that you might want to feel, or you crave for. Seems like I am the happiest creature on the planet but believe me, you don’t want to get involved into the situation. My situation. My condition. Oh no, it’s getting dark here ...
Perfectly Splendid; Seeing Red After ‘Clean’
100x120cm
Oil, Charcoal and Spray Paint on Canvas
Session 3 – I know this is going to happen. I’m sorry.
There are two news that I need to tell you.
The good news is that I’ve already controlled how I should uplift my mood when I get down most of time. Are you proud of me? Progression, progression and progression. Baby steps. I KNEW IT!
.
The bad news is that I just realized, it is not about controlling the mood. What I’ve done so far is actually to numb the pain. I’m breaking again and craving to see the red all over my body. So, I did. Yes, I did. Several times from now.
.
Are you still proud of me? Is it still a progression? Did I break my own promises to you and others? Did I fail you? I KNEW IT!
German Replied
80x100cm
Oil, Charcoal on Canvas
Session 4 – The first time I met ‘G’ and he never leaves my side since then.
I remember it very clearly, there’s one time I was hearing your voice that I couldn’t even bother to asked for your name and you mention the word of German. Vague. Ambiguous it is.
With his black coat, shadowy, hands full of red, dripping from his arms into his fingers, he used to hug me and cover my body with his black shadows coat and tells me,” I won’t let you go. I’ll be here, I’ll protect you. You’ll be okay, as long as you’re with me.”
Scary isn’t it? But why does it make me feel safe?
It Combined Then It Melts
100x120cm
Oil and Charcoal on Canvas
Session 5 – The words that melt my monster.
And then SHE said, “You’re such a lovely girl with so much love around you. From all our conversations and interactions, you bring so much light in your friends and family lives. That shows me that you have been loving and caring towards them too. You are matter and you are worthy of love. I’m always so inspired by your ability to be so loyal, caring and open. Show kindness to the part of you that may be hurting now – She needs you more than ever. The happiness that you have experienced, it is worth fighting for.”
Is It Anger or Addiction?
80x100cm
Oil and Charcoal on Canvas
Session 6 – A confusion that triggers me all the time.
I admit that my addiction is a semi-criminality that I never confessed to anyone. But I never know the core of the problems that caused all of these. Perhaps, it become habits. Some sort of cortisol-like hormones that just spill out from my brain, the shortcut, to numb the pain. Never overcome or get over with it, just to minimize the pain inside my chest.
The anger that I ‘locked’ for myself (and always for myself) is never leave from my side. There are these burning emotions, the mental pain, that caused my adrenaline rush to do things recklessly.
Even I’m writing you to explain these two different emotions and try to figure it out, I still can’t figure it out.