Some people have the mindset of ‘I will never be (good) enough’ and because of that, they will feel that they don’t deserve to be loved, either from someone or even from themselves. As a human being, it is not easy to get rid of these thoughts. The thoughts that keep looping in the head like a broken records for whatever the reasons. Perhaps, it is caused by the bitter pasts, false treatments from some people, or how society look at them. Regardless of the reasons, it made them acquire this kind of low self-esteem and trust issues on behalf of themselves. But these thoughts and mindset are nothing, but illusion created by themselves.
Blinded by the thoughts, they fail to see their own value. They fail to recognize that they are so much more. These thoughts and mindset can be managed, starting from caring and loving on self, or commonly known as Self-Love (Philautia).
Self-love (Philautia), by no means on selfish or even narcissistic, driven from the Greeks beliefs, is the key to giving love to others. To quote from Aristotle argumentation:
“People who love themselves to achieve unwarranted personal gain are bad, but those who love themselves to achieve virtuous principles are the best sort of good.” (From Nicomachean Ethics Book 9, Chapter 8)
Based on the stated above, this self-love act itself is a journey. It starts from understanding ourselves better, including our flaws – which are parts of what makes us essentially whole and beautiful. Only when they accept themselves as what they are, they are capable of self-love. Only then, will they see their own true value.
The more a person learns about themselves and maintains their self-love, the more they will have an impact on how they see others and their surroundings. It will broaden their perspective, giving them an open minded and non-judgmental value.
The impact of being capable of self-love gives you understanding of what the true value is. Once you see the true value of yourself, you will then start to see the value in others including the objects around us.
The cracked line on the surface of the floor, might tell you a story of a person and the weight of responsibility the people who stepped on it. The stain on the wall, might be the silent evidence of an historic events. The imperfection in our everyday life, that people consider as ‘broken’, can only be valued by someone who understand the beauty of one’s flaws.
See
'ME'
Loneliness in Anger
2022
100cmx120cm
Oil paint on Canvas
The loneliness phase got me thinking on how the process of acceptance always brings up the blurred memories towards my mind and there’s one time I cannot handle it (again and again). What am I supposed to do? I’m at the edge on giving up through my acceptance process because on how it hurts me so much. I deserve to be angry, but I don’t want to go numb again and doesn’t feel a certain ‘live’ emotion. Emotions keep me going and does makes me alive. But please, not too much, I don’t know what to do.
(Look who’s saying, The Bipolar or oneself)
My Dear Little Friend
2022
69cmx49.5cm
Oil paint on Canvas
The conversation that helps me breathing.
“Mya, believe it in your heart and mind, okay? Please.
You are this pure loving kind and funny soul
You are truly special to me, my love.
I love you so very much
And I love you terribly
Hang in there and believe in your goals and dreams and keep working hard.
I love you no matter what
Till death do us part (but not so soon though, I hope)”
I’m here for you, my love.
(Literal words from Van that keeps me fight in this sickness world.)
Naked
2022
79.5cm x 69.5cm
Oil paint and pastels on Canvas
See me N A K E D, will you?
No repression on emotions
No repression on what I do
No repression on what I want
No repression on what I need the most
This is my current state and I’m not even hoping you would understand me so deeply.
(You brought back the vulnerabilities of mine and I show it to the world that I am a fragile human being who need to be more grounded and keep my sanity over and over again.)
Hide and Seek (Let’s)
2022
100cmx80cm
Oil paint and collage on Canvas
To be more open about it – will people judge me?
(Or not)
To be more honest about what I feel – I don’t want to feel ashamed of it.
(Or not)
To show my imperfection and flaws to the real world – see the beauty in my brokenness.
(Or not)
To admit my vulnerable feelings – don’t be ashamed of it.
(Or not)
(I’m getting used to play hide and seek feelings with my Bipolar)
(Yes, it is confusing – In doubt every time.)
Colour Repression
2022
68.5cm x 49.5cm
Oil and acrylic paint on Canvas
I used to hide and cover my mixed-up feelings
When it started to cloud up my judgmental towards the living
Yet I must prepare for the worst scenario
Where it will come to the surface and explode
Just like a hungry monster, craving for more sins and ego
(Better for you to control it rather than become a monster for the living)
The Old RED
2022
50cm x 70cm
Oil paint on Canvas
To clean is to manage my withdrawal episode of wanting to see more R E D from my body
The unhealthy coping mechanism that I did but I guess it’s working and satisfying (;)
(For temporary only, remember that)
Now it become a memory lane and past that I’ve been through
But it is real because of the concrete form that have been carved beautifully on my body.
(Look, who has been clean for two months – going three!)
Accidental
2022
90cm x 60cm
Oil paint and Collage on Canvas
Ask yourself whether you deserve to be loved or not?
How worth it you are in front of someone and some people in your own world?
The tragedy events that happened 5 years ago were the turning point to all this non-sense madness inside my head.
I could show you my RED, but I didn’t do it anyway.
All that I could show is how numb it is after the accidental events of mine.
(I try my best to love myself since then because my Creator gave me another chance)
The Limbic System
2022
100cm x 100cm
Oil paint and Charcoal on Canvas
Three days already I carried my anxiety wherever I go
Even I leave it there or somewhere, it still follows as much as I walk or run.
(I can’t escape)
If a tree can be a metaphor for all of these, then it grows as a big tree with lots of small branches, high in the sky covered with cloud (of emotions)
But then the fourth day, I came to realization where I need to leave it be and not looking back
I will chop it down, one by one, slowly, until it’s no longer existing.
(Even though its tiring but I am prepared and have all my strength to fight it back.)
We’ll Get Along
2022
100cm x 59cm
Oil paint on Canvas
People ask me to heal as soon as possible – I can’t do that
People ask me to fully accept myself for who I am – It takes time and I’m progressing with my baby steps
(I’m different from the others)
(…and I hope in a good way)
The unique one is when people pressure me to be ‘normal’ just like them,
(Then again, what is ‘normal’?)
(If I’m being myself, will I and the society get along just like a good friend do?)
'Pond and Grey Skies'
2016
74.5 x 100cm
Acrylic on Canvas
Do You See Me?
2022
120cm x 100cm
Oil paint on Canvas
On the surface, I look like a living body with a thick mask where my mask depicts a certain emotion which people ask me to.
I am nowhere to go.
Yet I cannot contain my repressed emotions any further than this.
Then I become an explosion itself
(Be more H O N E S T.)
'Keep You Safe
2018'
80x100cm
Oil and charcoal on Canvas
'Heartbleed'
2018
80x100cm
Oil on Canvas
'Words that I Want To Hear From You
2021'
59.5 x 80cm
Oil on Canvas
